Our back yard is fully fenced. No one shy of seven feet tall can see in. This affords me the luxury of mowing it a little less frequently than the front. I mowed the front yard two weeks ago with the full intention of mowing both last weekend but our mower decided to take the summer off. I didn’t feel like tearing the mower apart so I borrowed my step-dad’s back up. Primarily due to the fact it’s capable of tackling our now fully mature jungle in the back.

After a day of helping with computers and playing Xbox with The Boy, I decided to challenge nature while she prepared to slumber. I fired up the trusty Honda and blazed my first path along the fence line and the mower was eager to consume more. I emptied the bag and plowed ahead into my second pass. A third of the way along my stomach lurched and my insides growled mightily at me.

I ignored the call and foraged ahead. At two thirds, I felt the need to release some of the pressure building in my bowels. So without a care, I relaxed and…OH GOD, OH GOD! IT’S NOT JUST A FART!

Yes friends, I sharted. I did, however, catch it in time. With clenched cheeks I paused to consider my options. I really wanted to finish the lawn tonight and not have to squeeze it in around my affairs tomorrow. I knew now, that a shower was the only way I was coming out of this alive and there’s no way I’m heading back out after a shower tonight.

I must press on.

Now, imagine Bruce Willis imitating Ed Grimley…mowing. Desperately hoping to keep Mount Vesuvius at bay, just long enough. As I finished the pass, I realized I would soon lose this battle and have to hose myself off in the yard before I would be allowed back in the house.

So with all the dignity and normalcy I could muster, I emptied the bag and wheeled the mower to the garage. Casually locked the doors and headed for the shower where I ripped off every stitch of clothing and prepared myself for some quality WordFeud/WordsWithFriends time.

As I type this I’m clean and refreshed. The back yard has a Mohawk and I honestly don’t give a…well, a crap.